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| Taking Whole |
by Trime Persinger
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"The Art of War" is an ancient Chinese text that has endured for millennia. In the 20th Century it emerged as a guide for business leaders, providing a way to think about conflict and leadership. One of its more famous passages is
Taking a state whole is superior.
Destroying it is inferior to this.
The best outcome of an interpersonal conflict is not one in which we vanquish our adversary. The best outcome is one in which our adversary becomes our ally. In the beginning, conflict feels like "you against me". As we work our way through it, at some point the conflict shifts. Instead of "you against me", it becomes "you and me against the problem." When this shift occurs, it seems environmental. There's a flash of insight, and at the same time there's a connection with the other person. It's the "aha" moment, difficult to describe but impossible to miss.
So "taking whole" does not mean that you overcome your enemy with your guile and finesse. Taking whole means that you work with the energy of the situation. Conflict is like a dance. You and your adversary are partners in this dance, sensing the other's moves and adjusting your own. You do not need your adversary's agreement to adopt this approach. Doing it on your own is enough. Sooner or later, your adversary will respond, will become a willing partner in the dance. There is give and take, forward and backward motion. You and your partner gradually find the rhythm that works for both of you. In the process, your partner changes and so do you.
In this way, conflict is a vehicle for personal growth. The growth happens as we develop our own process, and as we engage with our adversary. These two aspects are inseparable. In order to reach our fullest potential as human beings, we must extend to others the same interest and caring that we need ourselves. For working with conflict is a joint pursuit. As the conflict has emerged in relation to another person, that other person is naturally and inherently included in the journey that follows.
Being both true to oneself and open to others is thus the guiding principle for working with conflict. It is the underlying motivation, and is more important than any skill or technique. If you use communication skills without this genuine motivation, people will sense your lack of sincerity. They will perceive that they are being manipulated and the conflict will likely escalate.
This is not to say that your motivation must be consistent and pure. But if you return to it again and again, it will begin to permeate your way of thinking about conflict. One way to train yourself in this motivation is to learn the sentence, "I want to sort this out in a way that works for both of us." Practice saying this out loud, post it where you will see it, remind yourself of it at different times throughout the day.
Learning these words, and using them, marks the beginning of a new, more effective way of dealing with conflict. |
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