Newsletter
|
| Back to Archives |
| What To Do When You're Feeling Attacked--Part 2 |
by Trime Persinger
|
The last newsletter talked about one way to respond when you feel attacked. The suggestion was first, to pause for a moment to collect yourself. Leaving even a small gap can be tremendously helpful-it gives you time to shift from a knee-jerk response to a response that is more considered and intentional.
Having gained some equilibrium, you could then say, in a simple way, something about your inner process. For example, you could say, "I'm surprised," or "I'm having a hard time with what you just said," or even "I need to think about that."
The important element here is that you are talking about yourself. You are talking about your experience of the moment, omitting any judgments or blame of the other person. In doing this, you greatly reduce the chance that the other person will respond defensively and so escalate the conflict.
A helpful image is that of riding a barrel down a rushing river. A barrel is inclined to roll one way or the other. Sometimes you are riding the barrel, and sometimes the barrel is riding you. When the barrel is riding you, when you are submerged in an intense emotional reaction, simply acknowledging that can be extremely helpful. It buys you time until you are back on top of the barrel.
If you can stay on top of the barrel, or regain your seat fairly quickly, there's an alternative way of responding to another person when he (or she) has said something provocative. You could take a moment to consider what he might be feeling, and reflect that back to him. For example, you could say, "It sounds like you're pretty frustrated with me," or "You're concerned about this," or "You're really hurting right now." In other words, you can say something about him as long as what you're saying is at the feeling level.
When you respond by acknowledging her feelings, you validate her experience. You "tune in" at an emotional level. You let her know that you're making an effort to step beyond yourself and connect with her. It doesn't even matter if you guess correctly about her feelings. If you're wrong, she'll let you know. For example, she might say, "I'm not frustrated, I'm just disappointed." The important point is that the conversation is now about feelings and not about who's right and who's wrong.
We've talked about two possible responses when you're feeling attacked: to disclose what's going on with you at that moment, or to reflect back the other person's feelings. How do you know when to talk about your own experience, and when to talk about the other person's? If you can, it's often more helpful to reflect back the other person's feelings first. But don't try to do this when your feelings are running high, since your words will likely sound like accusations rather than empathy. In this case, restrict your comments to your own experience of the moment. Once you're back on top of the barrel, get curious about the other person.
Difficult conversations almost always need these two components: self disclosure, and awareness of the other person. As you experiment with these two aspects, you will discover the combination and timing that works best for you. The important thing is to try. |
| Back to Archives |
