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What To Do When You're Feeling Attacked

by Trime Persinger

You've just received a stinging verbal blow. Or a simple discussion with your colleague (or your spouse, or your friend) has turned ugly. Or you've received some information that has turned your world upside-down. What do you do?

The first thing, and probably the most important, is to bring your awareness to the present situation. Pay attention to your body. Slow down. It is well documented that when you're triggered, you don't think well, and you need to be able to think in order to avoid re-creating old patterns of conflict. So do your best to stay silent through the first few moments after you get triggered. Breathe. Perhaps even leave the scene, take some "time out".

Having left a little space, having gathered yourself, there are several options for responding in a way that will serve you well. One type of response is to say what's going on for you. For example, if someone has just said something hurtful to you, say "That hurt". If you've received shocking information, say, "I'm surprised", or even "This news has upset me".

Ann is a recovering alcoholic. Ann was in a residential recovery program with very clear guidelines for behavior. One of the guidelines was that the clients were not allowed to swear. One day, during a break from the program, Ann was sitting with her fellow clients in the facility's lounge. Ann was upset about something, and she swore. People were coming and going, and a little while later Sheila, a staff member, came into the room, looked at Ann, and said, "Someone in here swore, and I bet it was YOU!" Clearly, one of the other clients had complained.

Ann looked back at Sheila and said, "That hurt". Sheila replied, "Well, it was you, wasn't it?" Ann said, "Yes, it was me, but it still hurt". Nothing more was said that day, but the next day Sheila came up to Ann and said, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about what happened yesterday. I'm really sorry that I hurt you." A conflict was resolved, and a relationship healed, because Ann had stated, very simply, how Sheila's words had affected her.

It doesn't take much imagination to contemplate how this story would have turned out if Ann had responded in a more customary way, with defensiveness or sullen silence. The conflict would have escalated, or at the very least the relationship would have been strained. We all know this pattern.

I was recently in a conversaton with my friend Jim and I unknowingly said something that was very hurtful to him. I then asked Jim a question and he replied with, "I'll answer your question in a minute, but first I have to take the knife out of my heart." Jim let me know, without blaming me in any way, how he was feeling. I asked him what I had said that was so hurtful, he told me, and I apologized. It didn't need to go any further.

When someone "pushes our buttons", our knee-jerk response is often to blame that person, and to respond in kind. But by disclosing our emotional experience of the moment, we shift the tone of the conversation away from blame and towards more gentle communication. In doing this, we do not minimize or sacrifice the intensity of our feelings. We just name them, creating the opportunity for dialogue that works for us instead of against us. The magic of this process is that it almost always works for the other person as well.

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